


Still Alive

by Kit_Arlert



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Police, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Armin and Mikasa are over their 20's here, Blood and Injury, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hospitalization, I don't remember of tagging being so difficult like this, Injury Recovery, Major Character Injury, Panic Attacks, Police Officer Armin, Police Officer Mikasa, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-14
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-12 05:15:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28755000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kit_Arlert/pseuds/Kit_Arlert
Summary: Mikasa goes through one of the scariest moments of her life when she does a mistake during a drug seizure that ends up with her husband deadly injured.
Relationships: Mikasa Ackerman & Armin Arlert, Mikasa Ackerman & Eren Yeager, Mikasa Ackerman/Armin Arlert, arumika - Relationship
Comments: 7
Kudos: 44





	Still Alive

**Author's Note:**

> I'm finally back with another really random Arumika story, but I can't help it, I just love their dynamic hahaha. 
> 
> First of all i would like to give massive thanks to Rowboat_Girlyman for betareading this despite being really busy with their own "amazing, gorgeous, lovely, blessing to our world" fic "Not This Time" and irl. They transformed this fic in a way better one. 
> 
> Mature rated is for Blood and Injuries (for now, maybe it will change). Originally This is a two-shot where the spicy content would be in the second chapter, that is almost ready, but as I'm not really happy with it, idk if I will post it so soon (or ever post it at all)... But thankfully 1st chapter also works as a closure, since in the 2nd chapter I would try to deal with more of the aftermath trauma of the events in this chapter (and some spicy content I know we all need it ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ), so maybe if you guys want to give any ideas I would appreciate a lot.

It was seconds. 

It happened so fast Mikasa didn’t even register correctly what happened. Everything around her was a blur. The only clear shape was what she stared at, a few meters ahead, frozen in place. The white ford, which she fired two shots into only moments before, was wrapped around a street-light, smoke rising from its shattered engine block. She barely heard the screeching tires and piercing sirens of the backup cruisers.

 _‘The suspects might be running away’_ the thought crossed Mikasa’s mind but her body refused to move. She could only focus on the scene playing out in front of her. Even as the hysterical and panicky voices of her colleagues slowly became clear, as they rushed towards the totalled car trying to help the wounded driver.  
“I-It should have been a normal day at work…” She murmured, her mind tracing back the steps that led her to this moment, and more importantly, the unconscious driver slumped over the wheel, the blood from his many wounds running though his bright blond hair.

It had been a drug bust, a standard and routine procedure they had done countless times before. Captain Levi and his squad, some of the best their station had to offer, had been tasked with entering the warehouse to apprehend the drug runners. Mikasa's team, commanded by Captain Hanji, had been ordered to surround the building, to stop any suspect who might attempt to escape out the back during the assault.

Everything was fine at first, a textbook example of police discipline and planning. Then, out of nowhere, Levi’s voice exploded through their radios, screaming about a red Fiat strada making a break for it. With only a few seconds of warning the car came hurtling through the gate, smashing the iron railing apart as it charged their blockade. Ignoring the shots fired at it, the car slammed through their parked cruisers, sending both vehicles spinning away, nearly crushing an officer in the process. It was just then, when a second unannounced vehicle appeared, following the same destructive path of the first through the gate towards their already broken barricade. Believing it to be another suspect attempting to escape and with most of her colleagues focused on the first car, Mikasa reacted on instinct, lifting her service pistol, took aim at the white ford’s tinted windscreen, and discharged two rounds. The first missed, deflecting off the car’s metal frame, but the second was on target, shattering the glass into a million pieces and causing the driver to lose control of the speeding vehicle, which slammed into a nearby lamp column with a deafening crunch.

There were clear instructions on what she should have done next. Having successfully intercepted a fleeing suspect, as she thought she had done, the driver and any other suspect should be checked for any life threatening injuries and removed from the vehicle. They had to be careful when doing this, both for their own safety and that of the suspects, so when Eren and Jean scrambled over to the totalled ford with a wordless cry. Mikasa was taken by surprise, and was just about to shout at them to stop in case the suspect was armed when the warped driver's door gave way and relieved who it was at the wheel.

“Mikasa!” Someone yelled, finally breaking her out of her stupor.

She didn’t know who had called her or why, but she gave no answer, as she ran to the smoking car.

 _“What was he thinking?!”  
“Him from all the people!”  
“How did he get there?!”  
“Why was he in the car?!_” 

“Armin!” She yelled, dropped her pistol on the floor as she darted forward, pushing past Eren and Jean to reach the man inside the twisted shell of metal.  
Blind in panic Mikasa shouted his name again and again, praying for a response, but she received none, not even a groan of pain. There was only a sicken silence coming from Armin.

 _‘No, no, no! God no! This can’t be happening!’_ She leaped into the car, ignoring the small stabs of pain from the glass and jagged metal as she reached over to check on him, pressing her fingers into his neck trying to find a pulse. After a few heartstopping moments, she found it; weak and erratic, but there.

“This is a priority one! We have an officer down, I repeat, officer down!” Mikasa heard Eren behind her, shouting into his radio.

“Armin… Please hang on” Mikasa whispered, terrified and sick to her stomach as she counted the numerous wounds littering her husband's body. His face pressed against the rapidly deflating airbag was covered in cuts and lacerations, with bits of glass sticking out of his skin. Worst of all, was the growing patch of blood on his chest, the red stain seeping through the white fabric of his shirt. 

Mikasa had been in the force long enough to know that it was a bullet wound, even without lifting his shirt. She had shot her own husband. 

Was she about to lose him? Had she just killed her own husband?! 

This couldn’t be happening. This was just some horrible, horrible nightmare that she would wake up from any minute now. Mikasa couldn’t imagine a world without him, waking up in an empty bed with only memories of the man she loved. It couldn’t happen. It just couldn’t!

But her denials didn’t stem the bleeding, or fix broken bones and possibly damaged organs. Her denials wouldn’t save her husband, and the thought of him dying was tearing her apart. Her chest burnt and she felt like she couldn’t breath. The burning sensation spread all across her body, from her heart straight up into her brain, which felt like it was having a stake driven into it. “J-just hang on a little Armin. The ambulance is coming. You’re going to be fine! Please! Please be fine!” 

Every part of her wanted to pull Armin free from the car so she could hold him in her arms, but the tiny part of her which was still thinking straight knew she couldn’t move him. If he had broken something in the crash, moving him would only make it worse. Instead, Mikasa shuffled as close as possible and pressed her hands against the bullet wound, doing what she could to stop the worst of the bleeding. The hot blood that spilt out between her fingers burnt like acid. 

“Shit! What happened?!” Her uncle’s tense voice came from behind, him and his squad having left the warehouse after hearing the officer down report. His deceptively small frame appeared in the corner of Mikasa’s vision, as he looked into the wrecked car, eyes widening in shock. “Mikasa, what the hell happened?”

“I-I saw the second car coming, and I thought...” Mikasa trailed off, tears in her eyes. “He’s losing blood Captain… I need to stop it.” 

“Fuck. Mikasa, step aside.”

“B-Bu-” Was all she managed before an impossibly strong grip on her shoulder pulled her out of the wreck.

“Here. I’ll do it.” Levi replaced her in the car before Mikasa could complain, pressing his hand over Armin’s chest and applying far more pressure than her own trembling hands could.

“Jaeger! Call the Internal Affairs.”

“What?! No! They will come after Mikasa.” Eren burst out, angrily, his own eyes wet with tears.

“Don’t make me order you again, Jaeger! There are protocols for a blue-blue incident like this. Trust me, it will be a lot worse if we try to hide this.” Levi fired back, his voice cold and firmer than Mikasa has ever heard him before. Eren looked furious, trembling with anger as he picked up the phone. 

Mikasa didn’t say a word during the brief debate, only silently staring at what she had done. Her uncle was probably disgusted by her and Eren likely hated her, but Mikasa couldn’t find it in her to care right now. She could only focus on Armin, and the sticky consistency of his blood, congelging on her hands, evidence of the possible fatal injury she had inflicted upon him.

As her world collapsed around her, Mikasa could only pray that the ambulance got here soon. 

_______________________________________

Mikasa’s gaze had been fixed at the blue door. She had no idea of how long she had been there, sitting alone in this sterile white corridor, only metres away from the operating theatre where her husband was currently undergoing surgery.

There was only the faint drone of the hospital’s air-conditioning unit to be heard, with no sound escaping those thick double doors. And so she waited there mute and unmoving, accompanied only by the sickly feeling of the dry blood still coating her hands and the suffocating guilt of what she had done. Mikasa couldn’t even remember the man for internal affairs interrogating her. What was his name? What did he ask? What did she answer? 

Mikasa couldn’t remember anything besides the man’s thick accent as he tore into her about one of the most terrifying moments of her life, as if it was some minor inconvenience for him. Had she been in the right state of mind, then Mikasa was sure his uncaring attitude to the whole thing would have caused her to explode in fury, and flung herself over the table to attack him for being so callous. Perhaps the haze that had settled over her mind had been of some use, as she felt too disconnected from reality to express any real emotions. She just moved her lips and told them everything, not wanting to be away from Armin for one second longer than she had too. Vaguely, Mikasa remembered hearing the words ‘suspended’ and ‘investigation’, and her gun and badge had been taken away, but she hadn’t cared because as soon as those things had been removed she had been allowed to go back to the hospital and wait for news. And so she waited. And waited. And waited.

Crestfallen, Mikasa quietly gazed at the hands, rubbing them together to try and remove the stained blood that was the physical proof she had hurt the person she loved the most, but it just wouldn’t come off no matter how hard she rubbed or how long she held them under the tap. Mikasa kept replaying everything in her head, repeating her steps over and over again, endlessly seeing the moment she shot her husband, the painful throbbing in her head growing worse every time. 

“How did this happen?” she whispered, taken aback by how broken her voice was. Mikasa could feel that warmth building behind her eyes before the tears started to fall, sliding down her cheeks. 

They should be ending their shifts now. It was the first time in weeks they had been on the same shift and same operation. Usually they would only see each other at lunch time or during coffee breaks, but today was supposed to be different. They had been looking forward to it since they found out, eager to spend the day together before heading home together. They would probably be discussing what type of food they were going to order; debating between their favourite Italian and Japanese place, before just giving up on deciding and ordering from both and sharing as they settled in to watch a film, knowing full well they would likely fall asleep on the couch together. That’s what should've happened. 

“Why…?” She whispered, bloodied hands curling into fists, unable to control her tears. 

“Mika…” A faint but familiar voice called. 

Her gaze shifted from her hands to her brother who was sitting next her. 

_‘Eren? When did he get here?’_ Mikasa asked herself, realizing she hadn’t even noticed his presence. Had it been long or did he just sit down? 

“Mika… this wasn’t your fault.” Eren continued, ignoring her silent stare. 

“I shot him, Eren. I shot my own husband.” She muttered, shaking her head. 

The arms Eren wrapped around her body, probably in an attempt of comforting her, did little compared to the cauldron of anger, frustration and disgust at herself that boiled in her heart.

“You didn’t know. The windows were tinted, and Levi didn’t warn us anyone was in pursuit. There was no way you could have known Armin was in that car.” Eren’s words didn’t help with her guilt. “It could have been any one of us who fired on the thinking it was a fleeing suspect. It wasn’t your fault.”

Mikasa wanted to believe in Eren’s words, she wanted to believe it wasn’t her fault, but the thought that prevailed was that she hurt Armin.

“This doesn’t change the fact that I hurt him… Levi only said the suspects were in one car, not two. I was impulsive... and now Armin might die because of that.” Mikasa sobbed, crumpling into Eren’s arms. 

“A-Are you kidding?! You know Armin is too stubborn to… to…” Mikasa noticed the slight tremors in Eren’s voice and felt his arms hugging her tighter as he tried and failed to say the word. “H-He would never leave you alone.” Eren eventually breathed out. . 

Mikasa knew Eren was suffering and hurt, but he was holding himself together for her sake. Armin was- IS his oldest friend, having known each other since childhood and the two men were as close as brothers. “Armin is strong. He’ll get through this… I know he will.” 

Eren sounded like he was trying to convince himself as much as he was her, trying to hide his own worries about Armin’s condition behind those comforting words. 

“And you remember what his grandfather told him before passing. When has Armin ever let him down?” Eren said, trying to shine at least a small light on the situation.

 _“Armin, I don’t want you joining me until you’re as old and grey as I am now, otherwise I’m going to kick your ass right back. Understood?”_  
Hugo Arlert had a strange sense of humour even when laying on his deathbed.

“Hmm.” Mikasa made a sound , as she thought about the old man who had been like a grandparent to both of them. She remained unconvinced though, and quickly went back to staring at her own hands. 

“C’mon Mikasa, don’t be like this. It was Armin’s decision to take a risk and chase after the suspects alone.It wasn’t your fault and I know Armin would say the same” 

“But…”

“Do you think Armin would like to see you like this? Would you like to see Armin like this if he was in your position? No, he wouldn’t-”

“Armin would have never shot without confirmation” Mikasa cut Eren off, annoyed that he kept trying to say it wasn’t her fault. 

“Armin also wouldn’t recklessly get into an unmarked car to chase after a suspect.” Eren quickly pointed out. “That type of behavior is what I would do, not him. I don’t know why he did it; it was a stupid and dangerous thing to do. But I do know he wouldn’t blame anyone else if he got injured doing it.” 

Mikasa looked at him in surprise. Eren had a point. Getting into the car like that had been so out of character for Armin. That was why she had been so stunned to see him behind the wheel. 

“Yeah…” 

“So why are you trying to crucify yourself for what happened? Are you afraid he is going to blame you?” 

“...”

“Would you blame him, if he shot you by mistake?”

Mikasa looked away. The sudden mental image of Armin desperately crying over her unconscious body in a wrecked car, and feeling every drop of guilt and anxiety she felt was definitely not a nice thing to picture. She hated seeing her husband suffer or take the blame for stuff that happened on the job that wasn’t his fault. The image reminded Mikasa of the time she’d been hit in the side during a shootout and had been out for weeks. Waking up to a clearly exhausted Armin sleeping over her in that hospital room was awful, and she almost cried when he realized she was awake and broke down in tears from all the accumulated stress. 

The idea of blaming him for what happened had their positions been switched made Mikasa feel sick to her stomach.

“No.” The word slipped out, as Mikasa looked back at Eren. “You’re right, I wouldn’t blame him… and Armin would hate to see me like this…” She said, wiping away the tears that had collected on her cheek. “But I can’t stop feeling terrible about this.” 

“I never asked you to.” Eren gave a watery smile. “You and Armin are far too alike to do otherwise. I don’t want to see you beating yourself up over it.”  
With that, Eren turned his gaze back to the theatre doors, his arms still tightly wrapped around her.  
All they could do now is wait.

Wait and pray. 

_______________________________________

“Moderation concussion, three broken ribs, a hairline fracture on the right humerus and mild internal bleeding. Although the bullet hit his lung, we were able to successfully remove all the fragments and repair the damage during surgery. However, since he lost a lot of blood during both the injury and the operation we gave him a transfusion and have placed him in a medically induced coma so his body has a chance to recover. Overall Officer Arlert’s condition is serious but stable.”

Mikasa kept repeating the Doctor’s report in her head like a mantra, feeling the lukewarm water of the hospital shower coursing down her body. She stared at the hands, annoyed at the phantom sensation of dried blood on her skin and under her nails. Even when she had scrubbed hard enough to remove any possible trace of blood along with the top layer of skin, she could still feel it.. 

She started rubbing her hands with the sponge again. 

"He's fine. He’s stable. Just recovering.” She muttered, squeezing her eyes shut as her brain re-created the image of her bloodied, battered husband for the umpteenth time this day. Repeating the fact Armin was no longer in a critical condition didn’t do much to alleviate her guilt and frustrations, since he shouldn’t be any condition right now except safe and sound at home, but at the very least it had curtailed some of her worst fears, that she would be leaving this hospital as a self-made widow. 

She had nearly broken down in tears of relief when the Doctor had told her Armin was going to be okay, and it was only Eren’s firm arm around her shoulder that stopped her from collapsing as the stress and worry which had been building up for untold hours was finally relieved. Once the fear and adrenaline had seeped away, Mikasa had been left feeling utterly exhausted with a sort of bone deep tiredness she had felt only once before; the day her parent’s had been murdered.. 

Mikasa shook her head, spraying water against the shower curtain as she squashed down that memory. No, no more thinking of death. Armin was alive and that’s all that mattered. But to keep herself from going down the rabbit hole of ‘what ifs’, Mikasa did what she always did when feeling overwhelmed. She made a list of tasks in her head, from most urgent to least, and set about calmly and methodically ticking them off one by one.

One of the first was cleaning herself up. Mikasa didn’t want to visit her husband covered in blood. His blood. It was unwanted, unpleasant and unhygienic. She had caused Armin enough pain without potentially giving him an infection from touching him with dirty, blood covered hands. It had to go. All of it.

With a final scrub Mikasa reached out and turned off the shower, letting the water drain away as she stepped out of the small cubical and reached for the thin towel one of the nurses had given her. Drying herself in record time, Mikasa picked up the bundle of clothes she had taken from the hospital’s ‘Lost and Found’ box and slipped them on. 

First was a pair of khaki leggings which was only half a size too big for her, followed by a dark blue hoodie with dozens of small white teddy-bears plastered all over it. She looked ridiculous, but between that hoodie, her stale, bloody uniform or one of those open back hospital robes it wasn’t a difficult choice. Anyway, it reminded her of one of Armin’s sweaters which she always borrowed; that bright orange one with that awful green and purple polka-dot pattern up the sleeves.

A crime against fashion it might be, but it was warm and soft, and being a size too big for Armin, it fitted her perfectly. So while this blue teddy bear jumper wasn’t his jumper, it still gave her some comfort. 

Finally exiting the nurse’s locker room, Mikasa wasn’t too surprised to find Eren no longer waiting outside. She had been in there a while after all, so he might have decided to take a walk, or step outside for some air or to indulge in his secret smoking habit that he honestly believed she didn’t know about. 

Part of her was tempted to go find him, and snatch those cancer sticks out of his mouth and stomp on them, but eventually decided not to. If there was ever a time when he needed an outlet for stress it was today.

Instead of going to find Eren, Mikasa found herself heading towards the cafeteria. She hadn't eaten anything since breakfast, and could feel some pangs of hunger in her belly. However, deep down, Mikasa knew the real reason why she was heading there instead of finding the Doctor and asking if she could see Armin, wasn’t because she was hungry, but because she was scared he might say yes. It was painfully ironic seeing as she had spent most of the day wishing she was at Armin’s side, but it was true. Mikasa was afraid. 

She feared that if she entered that room and saw Armin in his most vulnerable state it might break her. The mental image of her perpetually cheerful husband, juxtaposed with the likely sight of his bandaged, unresponsive body with a tube down his throat, surrounded by ventilators and other beeping equipment was terrifying and to see him like this would make the whole thing real.

Mikasa let out a shaky sigh. ‘I’m a terrible wife.’ 

Once Mikasa had reached the cafeteria, she went for a plate of salad, the lightest and less gross looking thing available. But it was still a hospital cafeteria, and the salad was as bland and tasteless as cardboard. Sitting in the corner, far away from anyone else in the mostly deserted cafeteria, Mikasa went through the motions of eating her cardboard salad before pulling out her phone.

There was a sea of messages and missed calls. The latter mostly from her adoptive parents. A modest amount from Grisha, and a whole bunch more from Carla. Mikasa knew she would have to call them soon but she just didn’t have it in her right now.  
Dismissing the notifications with a slide of her thumb, Mikasa opened up her text messages. It looked like everyone in the station had messaged her. Connie and Jean were wishing Armin luck while also trying to assure her he would be fine. Sasha must have sent her half a hundred texts asking if she was okay, if Armin was, to stay calm, to call if she needed anything, and everything in between. Even Hanji and Erwin had sent messages, telling her to focus on Armin’s wellbeing and let them deal with Internal Affairs for her. .

Mikasa read all the messages, but the one which caught her full attention was the last one, from her uncle.

**Chibi Captain:** The two pigs the brat tried to chase were arrested. **-7:12pm-**  
**Chibi Captain:** And tell Arlert he’s attending one of those shitty seminars about listening to orders once he’s back on his feet. **-7:13pm-**

A tiny smile broke across her face. Levi was a hard-ass but she knew he respected Armin, and must have given special attention to catching those suspects, probably hunting them down himself. While to others his messages might look cold and inconsiderate, Mikasa knew that was his own unique way of saying that Armin would be fine and not to worry about it. . 

Mikasa answered all the messages one by one, thanking them and letting them know about Armin’s stable status before switching it off and standing up from her half finished salad. All those messages had helped her build up the courage to go find the doctor again. Leaving the cafeteria behind, Mikasa summoned the elevator with a press of a button which would take her upto Armin’s floor. She could feel a spike of anxiety slowly increasing in her heart as the large metal box started its ascent. Mikasa took a deep breath to steady herself, and thought back to one of Sasha’s messages and the advice it had held.

_‘Just keep thinking about all the good times you’ve had together and it’ll be back to normal before you know it. I promise.’_

The elevator doors opened with a dull ping, and Mikasa stepped out into Armin’s ward, heading towards the front desk, as her mind wandered back to a silly old memory she had of both Armin and Sasha. Nothing big or life changing, just the three of them in the gym back when the two of them were still teetering on the edge of becoming a couple. Sasha and herself had been chatting about something she had long since forgotten; maybe it was some complaint about another officer, or perhaps they were discussing what they were going to do on the next ladies night. And then Mikasa had caught sight of Armin running on the treadmill across the gym, and she had just started to stare.

She didn’t even realise she was doing it at first, watching as he ran in place, muscles rippling, sweat trickling down his brow as his bright blond hair stuck to his face. It shouldn’t have been so alluring and attractive, in fact, it should have been the opposite, but Mikasa could feel her heart thudding hard in her chest, unable to look away. Sasha had trailed off and followed her gaze, only to gasp and hide a small smirk beneath her hand. Then she had done something which nearly gave Mikasa a heart attack at the time.

“Hey sweaty!” She called out to Armin, making Mikasa jump nearly a foot in the air. “Come over here.”  
Mikasa had tried to slap a hand over Sasha’s mouth, but it was too late as Armin stopped the treadmill and walked over to them, throwing a towel over his shoulders and breathing heavily.

“Hey Sash, Mika.” He looked at both of them, eyes lingering on her for a moment. "Whats up?”

“Mikasa wanted some to spot for her when she’s benching, and my arm has been playing up recently. Do you mind?”

And that was how Mikasa spent the next half hour struggling to focus on lifting the bar as Armin stood just inches behind her head, his skin tight gym shirt proudly showing off his toned arms and shoulders as he guided the bar up and down, as all the while Sasha not so subtly filmed them.

Mikasa still had that video saved somewhere on her phone, not that she would ever tell Sasha that. 

Despite the situation she was in, Mikasa found herself blushing slightly as she spoke to the receptionist. ‘Not the time for this, Mikasa.’ She chided herself before clearing her throat.

“Excuse me. I was wondering if Armin Arlert has been cleared for visitors yet.”

The receptionist looked up with a reassuring smile on his face. “Yes, he was cleared for family visitation just a few minutes ago actually. He’s in room 204.”

“Thank you.” She breathed out, pushing herself away from the desk with a flutter of anxiety within her heart, and made her way down the corridor towards Armin’s room

_‘201, 202, 203… 204’_

For a moment, Mikasa stood before the door like a statue, hand hovering about the door knob. The white light of hospitals lamps glinted off the gold band on her finger

“-to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health-”

“I do.”

Her hand folded around the handle, and with a push, Mikasa stepped into the room. 

_BEEP. BEEP. BEEP._

The sound of a heart monitor was the only noise present in the room. Even the ventilator moved silently in its clear box, the drums inside rising and falling at a steady pace

With another deep breath Mikasa stepped over to the bed and the man she loved who was lying on it. The image she had feared to see finally becoming real. 

There was no reaction when she took his hand, and Mikasa felt a lump growing in her throat , but she focused on the warmth she could feel from his hands, and not the colour of his skin which was so pale that it almost blended in with the bandages covering his chest. She wanted to squeeze his hand tighter, wondering if that would get some kind of response, even if it was just a twitch. But she didn’t want to hurt him anymore, so she settled on just lightly holding his hand and watching her husband sleep, trying to find some comfort in the rise and fall of his chest as the machine fed oxygen straight into his lungs.

Mikasa let out a shaky sigh. 

“So… This is how you felt when I was in that bed? Right ‘min?” She asked aloud knowing there would be no answer. 

Being part of the police department was dangerous in Shiganshina, the city was big and crowded, with large disparity in wealth and crime rates across the different wards. Everyone in the station wanted to end their shift in the same condition they started it, but they rarely got that luxury. The majority of her colleagues and friends had gotten hurt on the job; Sasha had been stabbed, Connie had been jumped on patrol and was beaten so badly he spent a whole week unconscious, Jean’s right arm would forever be scarred by the acid he had thrown at him, and most of her superiors were targets for the mob and had prices over their heads. Mikasa should be used to this feeling by now. 

But Mikasa wasn’t, and probably would never be. It was never easy when a friend got hurt, but this time it was Armin, her husband, and she had been the one to cause this. Eren’s words came back to mind. 

_‘I don’t want to see you beating yourself up over it.’_

That was easier said than done, especially when she was looking directly at the consequences of her actions.. 

Before her own injury three years before; Armin and herself had been the odd ones out, our lucky charms as Connie had once put it, as they had never been seriously hurt during their job. Sure they both received the occasional cut or bruise but that was it (and those were mostly on Mikasa rather than Armin, since their superiors frequently had him working in the station on data collection and suspect tracking rather than foot patrols due to his natural aptitude for that sort of thing). Even Eren had a stint in the hospital before, so they considered themselves the lucky ones. 

But that luck of theirs ran out when she caught a stray bullet in the side. That was their first serious injury. And now, Armin had their second. 

“You must have been terrified.” She whispered, drawing circles in his hand with her thumb “Constantly worried one of these machines would fall silent worrying, desperately looking for even a small sign I was getting better, endlessly asking yourself what you could have done differently...” 

Mikasa’s eyes started to burn as she bent down and pressed a kiss to Armin’s forehead. 

“Please wake up soon...” 

_______________________________________

Five days passed. Five long gruelling days. 

Mikasa could count the number of times she had willingly left Armin’s room on both hands and still have fingers to spare. She basically lived there full time, only leaving when the doctors needed the room, or when Eren and Carla begged her to go home for a while, if only to shower and change. She had only complied with that demand because the nurses had barred her from rifling through the lost property box after the second day, leaving her with no other choice. Eren told her she needed a break from the hospital, and that he would stay in Armin’s room while she was at home just in case something happened. 

Sleep was always a challenge. The thought of sleeping at home filled her with dread, as she thought about that cold empty bed that awaited her. So her only option was lying on the small, thin seated couch that was in Armin’s room. She never slept well thanks to the nightmares, so she spent most of the night awake and staring up at the slightly off-white ceiling. She was already suspended pending investigation from the force so at least she didn’t have to worry about skipping work. Chief Smith probably would have okayed her absence even if she wasn’t. For the nicknames he had earnt, Erwin was a softy at heart and was very understanding about their situation.

Hopefully though, it would soon be over. Armin hadn’t woken up yet, but the doctors had stopped giving the drugs that kept him in the induced coma. Now all they had to do was wait until Armin woke up naturally. 

“Anywhere between an hour and a full day.” The doctors had told her when she asked how long. They were now on hour six, as Mikasa waited by Armin’s bedside hoping to see some sign he would soon rise from his slumber.

She tried to be patient but it wasn’t easy. Mikasa tried to pass the time and distract herself. She tried walking around the room, looking out the window at Shiganshina and the ant sized people below. She tried reading the hospital’s magazines; old editions of ‘Closer’ and ‘Look’ gossiping about scandals that had faded from memory years ago. Once she got tired of reading the words ‘newest hottest trends!’ Mikasa turned to one of Armin’s books she had brought from home, knowing he would likely want something to read when he woke but was still bedridden.

It was a fantasy novel about giant monsters and people who fought them. It wasn’t really Mikasa’s thing and she found the main character to be kind of bratty and annoying at first but the world building was interesting and the big plot-twist halfway through was pretty cool. Page after page flicked past and Mikasa found she kept reading paragraphs multiple times as her head lulled forward and eyes started to droop.

.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.

A loud thud brought Mikasa back to the waking world with a start. With wide, almost frightened eyes, Mikasa shot out of the chair and checked the entire room, her years of police work kicking in instinctively as if expecting some kind of attack. There was nothing of course, and once she was sure someone wasn’t trying to ambush the two of them in their sleep Mikasa noticed the book she had been reading lying on the floor next to her feet.  
She must have dropped it while she slept. 

Mikasa sighed and shook her head. Picking up the book Mikasa rested it in her lap as she reclaimed her sitting spot, embarrassed at scaring herself like that.  
“Nine pm.” Mikasa mumbled, looking at the wall clock “Not even two hours of sleep. And almost screamed because of a book.” 

“...Did it say boo?” A rough but familiar voice croaked out, and this time Mikasa really did jump out of her skin. Her head snapped round to face the bed, and for the first time in five days Mikasa saw the bleary blue eyes of her husband staring back. . 

“A-Armin!” Mikasa cried, shooting out of the chair once more and reaching over to touch her husband’s face, wondering if this was all a dream. The warmth from his cheek against her fingers told her this was real.. 

“Hey Mika...” His hand followed hers, overlapping it. The cold skin of her fingers gave him some light chills, but he didn’t care, her touch was comforting and from what he could see, he thought the feeling was mutual. “I’m here…” 

“You’re finally awake.” Mikasa whispered on the verge of tears. 

“Yeah...” Armin smiled back. Oh how Mikasa missed that smile. 

“H-How long have you been awake...?” She asked, assuming he’d probably been watching her for a while to open with that terrible joke. 

“Only a few minutes I guess… you looked exhausted so I didn’t want to wake you…” He said, nuzzling his face against her hand. Mikasa desperately wanted to hug him but wasn’t sure if she could. His ribs were still healing so a hug might hurt him. 

“You should have said something dummy.” Mikasa lightly scolded, the tears definitely falling now. “How are you feeling?” 

“Like I got hit by a bus.” Armin’s own eyes had started to water, because of course they had. If one of them was crying, so was the other. That’s just how it was. “My throat hurts, a little shortness of breath, and it’s kinda painful to move in general, but nothing that’s bothering me too much…”

“Do you want me to call the Doctor?” 

“I’ll be alright. If you call them now, they’ll just start poking and prodding me.” 

Mikasa wasn’t really convinced, but if Armin just wanted some time with her alone she wasn’t going to complain.

“I’ve been so worried.” 

“I can imagine.” Armin replied, crestfallen.

Mikasa pulled their hands away from Armin’s cheek, keeping their fingers intertwined as she pressed a kiss onto his palm. 

“Do… do you remember what happened?” She began, afraid Armin would say yes, yet equally terrified he would say no. Having to explain what she’d done to him would be heartbreaking. 

“Hm… a few things... “ He muttered, staring at her like he was waiting for permission to talk. “I remember the raid, and chasing after a suspect. I found a car with the key on the ignition... I don’t know why I got in, but I remember driving after them and then...” The blond stopped, his brow creasing in thought as he tried to recall what happened “I think I hit something… I’m not sure. I heard the glass break, and it was hard to breath… Like I was drowning or something… I heard your voice and Eren’s, but it was fuzzy and muffled, and then nothing…” Armin paused again

“Car crash?” He summarised. 

"Yeah.” Mikasa said, uncomfortable with the details that reminded her of the guilt. “Armin… What were you thinking? Why did you get into that car? You know we have rules about that sort of thing.” She asked, avoiding her own feelings, trying to not look depressed in front of Armin. 

“I-I don’t know. I recognised one of the suspects from our files, he was one of the leaders of the gangs.”

“Without anyone to back you up?!” The question came out much louder than Mikasa planned, fueled by a combination of regrets, anger and frustration. “Couldn’t you trust the barricade?”

“...of course I did Mika… I just reacted. Please calm-” Armin tried, but stopped when his wife’s face twisted into a scowl. 

“You were reckless! You didn’t think! I nearly killed you because I thought you were another suspect!” Mikasa raised her voice again, fighting against the tightness of her 

“Wait… what do you mean?” Armin croaked out in an inquisitive tone. 

Mikasa froze, realising what she had just accidentally blurted out. An uncomfortable silence filled the room as Mikasa refused to answer. Armin looked confused and unsure, his brow furrowed in thought as he processed what Mikasa had just said with what he remembered. Then like someone had just flipped a switch in his head, Armin’s eyes went wide and his mouth opened in a small ‘O’. When Armin’s mouth eventually snapped shut, Mikasa had to look away, unable to deal with the unreadable expression he was wearing. 

“Mikasa…” Armin started to say before Mikasa broke down. 

“I-I’m sorry! ...Levi didn’t report the second car… and I thought it was a suspect trying to escape so I-I took the shot... I only realised it was y-you when it was too late.” Her voice cracked under the sheer weight of emotions she was battling with. “I’m sorry- I never meant…” Fresh tears started to fall as Mikasa finally let go of everything she had been bottling up. 

“H-Hey Mika, don’t cry… You didn't do anything wrong… It was my fault... ” Armin tried to calm Mikasa down, reaching out to her from his prone position on the bed. 

Despite everything, Mikasa latched onto the hand and held it tight as a sob broke through her lips. “People already have told me that… but I still did it.I still shot my own husband.” 

“Those people weren't me though. And I’m saying you did nothing wrong.” With what little strength Armin had, he squeezed Mikasa’s hand allowing their gold bands to tap against one another. “My word has to count for something, right? Otherwise what is the point of these shiny rings?” Armin finished with a nervous smile.

Although the comment wasn’t that funny, Armin saw Mikasa spare him a watery smile even as her shoulders continued to shake and tremble. “Mika… I chose to get into that car, I was impulsive and reckless as you said… It’s my fault… Not yours… I hurt myself. If anyone should be saying sorry it's me for putting you in that situation.” 

Armin stared at Mikasa, but she still didn’t meet his eyes. She just sat there in silence, suffering alone and refusing to believe him that this was his own fault. He wanted to comfort his wife, to get up from that bed, to hug her, to hold her, and do anything he could to make her feel less miserable. But with how weak he still was, such movements weren’t possible and it was like an invisible wall had been erected between them.  
Armin hated that feeling more than anything.

“Mika… Come here.” He said gently, lightly pulling her hand towards him. 

“Huh…?” She finally stared directly at him.

“Lay down with me. You’re exhausted… we both are.” Armin explained, noticingMikasa's look of confusion. “Lets get some rest.”

“But you’re hurt… I shouldn’t…” 

“If… I let you in the way you are right now, you’re going to keep crucifying yourself with these thoughts, like you probably have been doing since I crashed the car,” Armin avoided saying she shot him, he didn’t want Mikasa to think on that anymore “And I known you long enough to tell you’ll keep beating yourself up even though I’m awake now.”

“...Am I that predictable?”

“Is water wet? Please, Mika, you’ve been like that ever since we were kids. It’s basically your M.O to isolate yourself whenever you’re frustrated.” Armin chuckled a little at the surprised look on Mikasa’s face, before breaking down into a dry coughing fit.

A cup of water was quickly brought to his lips. “That will serve you right for being mean to your wife.” Mikasa fired back softly, some light returning to her beautiful grey eyes.

“Guess so.” Armin coughed a few more times, forcing Mikasa to wipe a bit of water spillage off his chin. “Now, come here. It’s weird sleeping without you.” Armin said again, with a gentle soft voice.

“The doctors won't be happy.” Mikasa chewed her lip even as she took a step towards the bed.

“Screw’ em, as Eren would say. They should have given you a proper bed if they’re not happy.”

Hesitantly yet relieved, Mikasa did as Armin asked, and settled down next to her husband, laying on top of the blanket on his good side so as to not aggravate his still healing body. She slowly snuggled up on him, with her head resting in the space between his shoulder and the chest, enjoying the warmth of his body. His arm wrapped her softly, and she couldn’t hold the relaxed sigh that escaped her lips when Armin began to play with the short black curls of her bangs. 

The silence that followed for a few moments wasn’t uncomfortable, they were just appreciating the presence of each other. Mikasa knew Armin must have had a soft smile in his face right now, but she didn’t want to turn her head check, she wanted to appreciate the pace of his heartbeats that were way more comforting than the monitor sound. She missed that. 

“... I’m sorry you had to go through this…” Mikasa relaxed for the first time in days. “I love you.”

“I love you too, and I'm sorry for worrying you.” Armin replied, already sounding drowsy. “Now try sleep…” 

“Hmm… okay.”Mikasa mumbled, feeling her eyes shutting on their own. 

“Don’t worry I will be here when you wake up.” Neither of them were sure who said that, but they both fell asleep with a smile on their face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. And feel free to leave a comment, and any ideas that could help me on what i mentioned about the next chapter.


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